I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
