On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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