i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
