best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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