i already hear my dad disowning me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
