It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i drank out of a bidet.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
