Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
the liver wants what the liver wants
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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