Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
