Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
