Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
