he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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