I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
