btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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