The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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