Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
