They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
