Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
