omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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