Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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