I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
