I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
