either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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