Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
