On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
