just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
