I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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