i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
