All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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