Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
