the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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