Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
