Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
