why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
