I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
