i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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