just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
