im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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