There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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