Ambien. No doubt about it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
