im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
