It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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