how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Welp...herpes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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