Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
