i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
