buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
