there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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