I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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