She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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