Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
