Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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