Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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