Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
